Saturday, January 23, 2010

The Second Amendment Blues

Maybe you’ve seen the commercial for the upcoming Willie Nelson concert in Asheville. Unfortunately, I was fixing supper when it came on. Now, I confess a moderate appreciation for Willie’s music, his politics, and his tastes in recreational activities, but the commercial was enough to make me lose my appetite.

How 'bout them "guns"?

Can’t the old guy afford a shirt?

What a nauseating display of flesh!

Somebody needs to revoke his right to bare arms.

I’ve known people with the forethought to take earplugs to concerts. If you’re going to the Willie Nelson concert, a blindfold might be in order. [I'll warn you that the pictures here don't really show how bad it has gotten. Shaved armpits or not, it's time to put on a freakin' shirt, dude.]

Look up “indecent exposure” in your dictionary and you’re liable to see a bare-skinned Willie.

Speaking of the right to bear arms, a friend just sent me this:

And once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees. "The Darwins " are awarded every year to the persons who died in the stupidest manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool.

Here is the official 2009 list.

This years nominees are:

Nominee No. 1: (San Jose Mercury News):
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: (Kalamazoo Gazette):
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo , Michigan was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck."

Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise.

Burns clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped around the drive shaft.

Nominee No. 3: ( Hickory Daily Record):
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton , North Carolina.

Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4: (UPI, Toronto ):
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings' windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports.

Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" (ed note:?) members of the 200-man association.

Nominee No. 5: (The News of the Weird):
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously.

He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison.

While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 6: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk , Indiana
A Jay Countryman, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM.

Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly.

He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 7: (Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ):
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death.

Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred, said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police.

"It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.


Finally, THE WINNER!!!: ( Arkansas Democrat Gazette):

Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog catching trip.

On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.

The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out.

As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering- wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles.

The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree.

Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.

Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis.

"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole's wife), asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.

Priorities, after all!!

Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

And what did all of these folks have in common?

Clearly an abiding interest in the preservation of their Second Amendment rights but further investigation that all but the prisoner who electrocuted himself had recently attended and were strong advocates for Tea Parties.


Anonymous said...

Gives a whole new meaning to the term gun nuts.
And maybe it's time to recycle Hot Nutz.
It appears that Willie may have caught a rare disease that can only be transmitted by rubbing th dander from Shar Peis on one's skin. I'd hate to see what else Willie might have scratched after petting his dog.

Anonymous said...

The only redeeming thing is that, given time, Thurston could sing top for the Stanleys.


Moonshiner said...

Urban legends. None of that stuff is true.

Anonymous said...

Pish Posh Moonshiner, prove the negative, prove that none of it's true.
Since a prime tenet of the Tea Party movement seems to be, never let the facts stand in the way of a good argument or better a loud populist rant - how can one be sure of any "truths"?
I bet if Glen Beck repeated it it would all be true.